adult jokes

i just came across a joke in my inbox that i wanted to share with u.. but i felt that it needed to be the "adult" chat area so here we have a brand new topic for all your filthy and depraved jokes lol

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"You know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's.
Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman.
"Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar.
Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.
All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

second one is very funny!

had me going!

i like jokes that build up to a punchline.. no so keen on one liners lol

Noteable "quote" from the bible (sorry if anyone is offended by this, i was raised catholic and i find it amusing)

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah

jwatson wrote:

Noteable "quote" from the bible (sorry if anyone is offended by this, i was raised catholic and i find it amusing)

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah

I don't think the work 'fucking' is anywhere in the Bible.

I'll read your long jokes sometime tomorrow.

i couldnt think of what else to call it other than a "quote" lol

jwatson wrote:

i couldnt think of what else to call it other than a "quote" lol

I think they did do a lot of 'begatting' in the Old Testament! lol ...which sounds sort of dirty

Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry

gd joke hotleggs lol

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

hahaa...thats a classic that one

replying to hotleggs & jwatson talking about golfers and 'holes' ---> w/ golfers you always have to count the number of strokes for each hole!...unlike real golf, tho, for these holes a higher number of strokes is definitely better lol!

whats the difference between a washing machine and a blonde essex lass?


the washing machine wont spit your load out!

yes, but the best thing is that the washing machine won't swallow your load lol

Tough Life
A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar." So the cucumber says, "yeah, you think that is bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad." So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, smelly room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

love it cap!

that is a very old joke captain but i have always loved it , i have it on my phone lol